How To Be A Complete Idiot – A Tutorial

Author: Renowned Expert (AKA My Own Self)

 

Wake up early to have a morning, since you don’t have to be at work till 11

Waste your time on Instagram

Panic like hell when realising you are running late

Leave the house in a hurry like the mad woman that you are

Arrive at the tube station when the train is leaving the platform

Swear like a sailor

Apply red lipstick to regain confidence

Swear like a sailor with red lips

Take the next train and get to the train station when the train is leaving the platform

Swear like a sailor

Go to Pret to buy a sandwich for lunch

Position yourself at the slowest queue

Curse when the till breaks down

Finally, pay at a different till

Run to platform bloody 19 to catch your 10:33

Get on the train

Feel incredibly accomplished as if you have discovered the shape of the universe

You got this

Feel smug

Take out your laptop to do your daily writing

You got this

You are on top of things even if slightly out of breath

Listen with half an ear what the next stations and final destination are

Freak out like it’s zombie apocalypse

You are on the wrong train!

Swear like a sailor, grab your things, exit the train right before it leaves the platform (all at once, you can do it!)

Your 10:33 was on platform 2, not platform 19!

Which means you’ve just missed ANOTHER train

Idiot

Utter tool

Check when the next train is coming

10:36

Platform 3

Run like the mad woman that you are

Swear like a sailor

Stop to see if you have your laptop

Wait! Where is your phone?

In your hand, you utter and complete idiot!

Run

Pray

To whom? To what?

Whatever! Just fucking pray, you fucking idiot!

Get to the platform

Touch your card

10:32

Run like the mad woman that you are

Get on the train right before the guy with the whistle whistles

You made it

You got this

Call the agency to inform them you are 10 minutes late

Eat your lunch

It’s not lunch time yet but it definitely feels like lunch time

Take the above selfie to see how a complete idiot looks like

Arrive at the venue

Deeply and respectfully apologise for being late but mostly for being a complete idiot

Find out your case is not listed until 2pm

Take a seat

You got this

You are on top of your shit

Not

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