I am on emotional holiday

I am introvert, I have chronic depression and I chose not to have children. Somehow, I ended up having a house full of family members these days, each of them with a bunch of problems. Step kids, niece, sister, boyfriend, I love them all but this week I am taking a break from them so that I can introvert in peace and listen to my dry womb and childless life in silence. I am, on what I call, emotional holiday. I care about none of them people living in my house and I hope they take it personally and punish me by not calling my name for the rest of the week. Or at least for the rest of the evening.

(I am back. Someone was knocking at the door, to deliver a parcel that I did not order. Some were on the loo, some were breastfeeding, so I had to go get the door. While I was downstairs, I had to send the ones that were on the loo back upstairs to wash their hands, even if I don’t care about them this week. Then I listened to what they had to say about their day. Then I had to exchange smiles with my cute niece because she was just too cute to be true).

I am now back to my room to introvert and be on emotional holiday and it feels good. I am browsing through my projects, flipping through my notebooks and I would like to go downstairs and get myself a cold beer but if I do, they will get me. I will carry on without beer, not caring, being self centred and feeling inspi…Fuck!

(I had to press pause again and go instruct our housekeeper about dinner options. And exchange some smiles with my niece again).

Ok, now I should be able to enjoy my emotional holiday and make this evening about me me me…

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(Again there is someone at the door. Again no one downstairs heard a thing. Again I had to interrupt my emotional holiday and get the door).

I give up. I am booking myself an Airbnb. The one in the tower at St. Pancras. Far and high. I hope the clock doesn’t chime. As a matter of fact, a clock chiming sounds rather calming and therapeutic, compared to what I have here, because my niece had four vaccinations today, if you catch my drift.

I need Xanax.

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